Story

Chasing Fear

“What is your greatest fear?” my high school dance teacher asked his dancers.  As we lay on our backs in a circle on the floor contemplating the question, some raised their hands.  Then after hearing their answers, I nervously raised my hand.

It was my senior year of high school and college was just around the corner.  It wasn’t the thought of being on my own that scared me.  I had been on my own most of my childhood years.  My circumstances might have changed, but the orphan conscience would always be there, learning how to adapt in an environment and surviving.  It was dispossessing my faith that I feared.  “Why?”  I asked myself this multiple times.

14883489_10211211765395864_7281791736747008443_oLife scared me.  It still does, but much less than it used to.  I didn’t create this fear on my own.  The seed was planted after hearing stories of people falling deeper into the pit of fury.  Uncertainty.  The challenges in life that turned those people whose stories I’d heard against God.

I don’t know the future and never will.  But I know my faith has always been the foundation that sustained me when I felt like crumbling.  The thought of losing God, whom I trusted very much, frightened me.  Losing my faith would be a horror story for me.

When college started, I held my breath.  Instead of letting myself grow and seeking my Creator, I focused more on having to possess the belief that there is a God.  I valued my faith so much that I named myself Faithlee when I finally became a citizen of the United States.  Though it is merely a name, it has the power to identify who I am and where I came from.  Of course, there were many instances when I’d fall and punish myself…and forget my own name.  That’s when the Lord would carry me.  He would wrap me in his arms, wipe my tears away, and gently whisper, “Enough.”

But I’ve learned along the way that faith is something you are born with.  It is easier to have belief in a spiritual being when you have faith because it means having the ability to see the unseen.  But although this may be true for me, walking my faith is another thing.  When you have faith in God and surrender your all, it means to love Him. God said, ”If you love me, obey my commandments.” (John 14:15).

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Many times I’d run to God because of this verse.  When I’d fall and sin, forgetting how God saw me as more than just sinner, was when I knew I needed to run back to Him. Now, it doesn’t matter what situation I’m in because my heart always finds the path to run directly to my Creator.

I’ve finally realized I wasn’t afraid of losing what I was born with. It was that I feared I would forget my value and identity.  I feared that one day I would quit on myself and overlook the most beautiful thing about me.

 

 

 

 

Edited by: Mitch Ohlendorf

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