Then She Came Along: Mother’s Day

Last year, I posted ( The Adoptee and The Birth Mother ) to openly share to the public what I went through almost two years ago. I’ve mentioned at end of the post that I promised to share the full story later. I hesitated because I wasn’t sure if I was ready at all. After much prayer and consideration, I finally decided on it. So here it is…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I felt numb, unfeeling, and cold after hearing the news of my grandpa’s passing. He had been in the hospital for a while. We’ve all been holding our breaths and clenching our fists. But it finally came. January 2016 was just beginning and started out devastatingly.

I punched in the number of my ex-boyfriend who I had broken up with back in October of last year. The phone rang and I heard his voice on the other line…PicsArt_1339353834964

“Yeah…I don’t think I want to get back together. This is too much for me right now. My grandpa passed away and I just can’t take anymore.”

Then everything fell apart…

I took a semester off from school. I went to work with the sadness in my heart that it will be the only thing I’ll be doing for months. IMG_0934My life has always revolved around school and it still does. School was never easy for me since I started first grade, but no matter how much I struggle, I will always get back up and try again. Taking a semester off was both good and bad decision. It was good because I wouldn’t have been in a great position to. It was bad because I was getting frustrated I wasn’t progressing towards my degree.

My heart was not in the right place spiritually as well. I was downhearted, discouraged, and unmotivated, but I kept a smile on my face. If there was one thing I learned since becoming a Christian…it was that God is in the eye of the storm. I am that person who seems strong in the eyes of others, but broken up behind closed doors. I stand because God has His arms around me. Comforting me. Encouraging me. Promising me things will be alright. I just had to trust Him.

But things still weren’t turning into rainbows and cupcakes…IMG_1612

In the middle of April, I was still waiting for my menstrual period to start. I was getting scared. I knew what I got myself into. I knew what the consequence was and at one point, I almost didn’t care what was going to happen. I was a mess and things weren’t going well. I wanted to cry for help, but I was too prideful to do so. By the last week of April, I felt something different about my body. And I had an idea of the kind of difference. The thought of being pregnant stabbed me in the heart. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t the case.

May rolled in…and I wasn’t feeling too well. I felt nauseous, but I never vomited. Then a friend and I decided we were visiting her family in Jackson Hole for a couple days. My brother, Rene (The Mountains Are Calling) was working in town as well so I made plans to see him. The 6-hour drive to Jackson wasn’t as bad as I’d thought. But it wasn’t pleasant either. After we arrived, her mother put dinner on the table. IMG_0212It was just a simple rice & vegetable soup and my stomach wasn’t feeling it. But I ate…slowly and exhaustively.

The next day, I met up with my brother for dinner. We went to the restaurant he used to work at. He took me to their kitchen and introduced me to the employees and the chef. Then we sat down to eat. Most of the food we had were compliments from the chef. I’m sure they would have been delicious if my sense of taste wasn’t a little off. We all had a great night and I didn’t want to ruin it by telling my brother I might be pregnant.

After dinner, my friend and I dropped my brother off to his house. Then we finally decided we would stop at the store to buy a pregnancy test. We parked the car at Kmart and I headed for the entrance. I was scared and nervous even though I already knew. As I went through the door, a huge sign stopped me from taking another step…

Mother’s Day was the next day!!

I whined. I couldn’t have timed it any better. I bought the pregnancy test and left as fast as I could. As I got in the car, I told my friend I just remembered it was Mother’s Day. We both laughed at the irony. Then my heart sunk…

The next day came. I got up and went straight for the bathroom. When both pregnancy tests showed positive, I sat on the covered toilet for a long time. I wasn’t surprised anymore, but I still couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. I thought long and hard whether I should tell my parents. I wasn’t just scared. I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of what I’ve done to myself. I felt like Eve who hid from God when she realized the nakedness of her sin. I didn’t know what I was going to do from there on out. I wanted to shout, but the dryness of my mouth silenced me. I cupped my face with my hands. I couldn’t cry either. I couldn’t do anything. When my friend knocked on the door, I opened it and said,IMG_8261

“Well…Happy Mother’s Day to me,” with the most painful sarcasm I’ve heard myself sounded.

(Stay tuned for Then She Came Along part 2)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

tea&bannock

a collective blog by indigenous women photographers

rethink

Jesus. Church. Culture.

Help Me Believe

Apologetics | Theology

Proof Perfectly

Editing - Copywriting - Advice

Live and Laugh with Jesus

Because there is no other way to be...

The Secret Life of a College Student

BYU-Idaho ins, outs, and everything else inbetween

Ron K. Jones

thoughts on all the things polite people don't talk about

Enjoy the Journey

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." J.M. Barrie

SFoxWriting.com

Something For Everyone's Needs

Into the wild

Adventures of a dominican photographer traveling the world.

Doodlemum

a day in the life of my sketchbook...

tea&bannock

a collective blog by indigenous women photographers

rethink

Jesus. Church. Culture.

Help Me Believe

Apologetics | Theology

Proof Perfectly

Editing - Copywriting - Advice

Live and Laugh with Jesus

Because there is no other way to be...

The Secret Life of a College Student

BYU-Idaho ins, outs, and everything else inbetween

Ron K. Jones

thoughts on all the things polite people don't talk about

%d bloggers like this: